Celebrate the Control Freak
The greatest fear of a control freak is quite naturally, the loss of control. I have never felt more helpless than I have this summer. Driving my feelings, is the deep treachery dealt by my own body, knowing that at it's cellular and genetic level, it betrayed me. Strangely enough, I started noticing my symptoms right after the "healthiest" phase of my life and that complicates my vulnerability. Then, despite various efforts on my part, I watched my health decline for at least three to four years. I feel powerlessness and ineffectual. After weeks and possibly even months or years of emotional frustration, I wrote a list. I like lists. They help me take control and feel powerful. I inventoried all the actions and activities that deliver the sensation of standing at the helm of my own life. I am completely aware that this may be just an illusion, but I have never appreciated or felt easy in the passive state, allowing life to "just happen" to me. I