Don't Go Digging My Grave!

Survivorship and Looking Forward

Living Life with Stage IV ALK+ Lung Cancer

    Cancer changes everything.  Early this summer, the ground beneath our family shook, cracked open and formed a whole new dimension.  At least, that is what it felt like when we received my diagnosis of Stage IV Lung cancer in late June.  Now we face the challenge of living with a diagnosis that holds the status of "incurable disease" and hangs a cloud over our heads.  

Not so many years ago, even a decade ago, a diagnosis like this brought with it a life expectancy of around a year and a stint in Chemotherapy that brought many accompanying side effects.  Now, thanks to modern medical discoveries and a huge blessing from the Lord, we have a new medicine that offers us years together before facing Chemotherapy and possible further treatments.  While this medicine does not promise a cure or a long life, it gives us time together.  With that time comes hope that more medical advances hover on the horizon.  Even without further advancement in Lung cancer treatments, I plan to live every day that God gives to me with great appreciation.

    My husband and three sons became my life's hope and dream at the age of seventeen.  Before that, I never thought of marriage or motherhood.  During different seasons of my childhood, I dreamed of a profession in medical field, life as a lawyer or a the glorious career of a famous author.  For a season, I even imagined for myself a fabulous career on stage singing and dancing - despite the fact that I have two left feet and tend to occasionally walk into walls!  I fantasized about travelling the world and living in different parts of the country.  

One day during the winter of my junior year of high school, I sat in the halls of the community campus of the University of Cincinnati where I took most of my classes. A new dream emerged and struck me with a "soul force". I imagine that "soul force" as an emotional bolt of lightning.  Suddenly, the urge to marry and mother children filled every pore of my being.  I remember looking around with shock, noting that no one else in the hallway blinked or even took notice of the blaze which overtook my every previous hope, wish and dream.  At the moment, the absurdity of the thought did not phase me.  While the thought of having a boyfriend seemed pleasant, I bombed every opportunity to cultivate a relationship.  Even with my changed perspective, my love life failed to change or grow for a time.  Then, I met my husband.

     My husband and I met in the best possible place.  Both Brian and I enjoyed singing in our church choir and during the spring of my 19th year, we met while participating in a "cantata" for Easter.  I fell head over heels in a very short span after meeting and beginning to talk with him.  He introduced himself to me by teasing me.  In our twenty years of knowing each other, some things stay exactly the same!  A foundational part of our relationship is the ability to laugh with and occasionally at each other. 

One evening that spring he called and asked me to dinner.  Without hesitation, I jumped at the chance.  During our dinner together in May of 1998, he talked more than he has or may ever again.  We shared our dreams, goals and values.  Who knows how long we actually sat talking at that little table in Olive Garden. By the end of that first meal, I knew that I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  I did not know for sure that things would work out between us, but I hoped deeply that they would.  The year and a half following that evening passed in swirl of activity.  One Saturday afternoon in September of 1999, I walked down a church aisle and we pledged our lives, love and honor to one another.

     Our family began with the two of us, facing life together.  We spent the first few years of our marriage learning about each other before we jumped into parenthood.  Brian began working full time for his family's trucking company right before our wedding.  I worked part time during our first year of marriage and continued to complete my Bachelor's degree at Miami University.  We enjoyed short trips occasionally on weekends and spent our first anniversary on the island of Kauai, Hawaii.

 While we enjoyed our first year of marriage, it was also a challenging year as we learned to communicate and co-habitate.  The joining of a man and woman to "make one out of two" is not an easy process that happens instantaneously.  We had to learn each other's habits and preferences while making grace for each other's foibles.  Poor Brian learned that what might have been endearing in a girlfriend and fiance could be downright obnoxious in a wife! I suppose that I may have had to also make some allowances for the formerly "endearing" traits in him that became stronger in a day to day context.  Thankfully, the good moments outweighed the bad and we both carry very sweet memories from our "honeymoon phase".  I wouldn't trade that time as a couple for anything else, but I looked forward to motherhood like an astronaut looks forward to his or her first trip to outer-space!

     While the melding of a husband and wife takes time, the growing of a family takes even more.  First time parents tend take everything very seriously, and we were not an exception.  It is possible that in my enthusiasm for motherhood, I may have been a bit overprotective and hypervigilant about EVERYTHING.  Our firstborn joined us in January of 2002. 

 He made his presence known well before that day. He headstrong before he was even born.  I knew it from the way he would wallop me when I laid down and tried to sleep.  In everything he has ever persued, he has worked with gusto and enthusiasm.  While he has many good traits, this is one of his best.  It may have provided him a challenge from time to time, learning to temper his enthusiasm with calmness, but his drive and determination prepare him for an amazing future.

  He and I share so much in common that I often say, "we are two peas in a pod".  Because of this we have butted heads over and over, but as he and I have both grown and matured we also learned to connect and enjoy each other's company, opinion and our conversations.  Because of the many intense battles in those early years between two headstrong personalities, I prayed long and hard for our second child to take after his (or her) daddy.  In my opinion, or so I told the Lord, our family couldn't handle three of us!

     In God's good timing, he sent our second son to us.  I was surprised and relieved to learn that not all newborn babies cry loudly and often.  Before our second child came to us, we experienced the heartache of a miscarriage.  This experience caused me to hold even tighter to our sweet tempered baby boy.  It is possible that I quite selfishly hoarded snuggle time with him.  His sweet, bald head was kissed over and over as I thanked the Lord for his presence in our family.

  During that time, our oldest grew and calmed and we spent many sweet hours snuggled together.  I hope our oldest remembers snuggling together on the couch or recliner together, even if I didn't offer "baby holding rights" nearly enough.  They quickly became best friends, despite the brotherly squabbles that plague familial relationships.  They spent all of their time together and chose to sleep in the same room. They would hold hands through the crib-bars while they drifted to sleep. They shared a bedroom for many years after. 

As our middle son has has grown, he stepped into the role of "peacemaker" both in our home and beyond.  His natural protective nature urges him to stand up for "the underdog" and seek to repair situations that are unjust.  His smile and friendly nature draw people to him and brings calm and comfort to our family. He is so much like his father, but very much his own person too.

     Our family would not be complete without the gift of our third son.  We were happy as a family of four, but so very serious and a bit boring.  When he came into our family, he brought spice and flair with him.  From early on, our youngest charmed and entertained our family and friends.  With his bright smile and winning dimples, he finds friends easily.  

His fiery temper also provides entertaining stories that we share, knowing that his personality will mature and grow as he ages.  As he continues to grow and mature, he brings his positive outlook and cheerfulness into each life lesson that shapes him into a young man.  He helps me see past the everyday monotony and seek adventure in the little things.  

 While we find many similarities in his older siblings with one of their parents, he takes after his Uncle Tim.  He shares with my brother a love for adventure and fun.  They have a lightness of spirit that brings other joy when they share time with them. Sometimes it is hard to be the youngest brother.  While he may often be the last to experience many of life's responsibilities, his perspective and view are unique and worth our time and attention.  He has a gift for seeing things that others may miss and for remembering details.  His gift for noticing and recalling details often bring his family members requesting his aid when they have a lost item that needs recovered.  That attention to detail blesses our family and will continue to bless others as he matures and grows.

     When the boys were infants and preschoolers, I often said that I wanted them to remain little forever.  I could not fathom any other stage would be as exciting and fulfilling as those early years of parenthood.  Fortunately, I could not have been more wrong.  

 That exciting beginning phase cannot compare to the joy of parenting teens and older children.  While these years are indeed as hard, as I feared, I discovered that the joys far outweigh the trouble. While years ago I was afraid, no TERRIFIED, of parenting older children and teenagers (and many days, I still am, because the teen and young adult years ARE challenging) my perspective has changed. 

 These years have become my most fulfilling years of parenthood.  Over the past three to four years, I experienced frequent bouts of laryngitis.  At the time it was attributed to my asthma and the side effects of it's medications, but we later discovered it to be an indication of lung cancer in my bronchial tube.  While it frustrated me and I truly mourned the ability to talk and sing, I thank the Lord for not only giving me the ability to, but forcing me to listing to my children as they grew and developed.  It has blessed me with the ability to see and respect them as individuals with minds and hearts of their own.  

 When they were little, I often felt that they were extensions and reflections of myself.  What a blessing to now see that they are not reflections of me, but rather of God who created them!  Today I can truly say that this is the most contended and happiest stage of my life.  I am living my dream, parenting the treasures that God entrusted to us for this time.

     It may seem ironic that it took something as earth-shattering as a Stage IV cancer diagnosis to realize, or at least verbalize my many blessings and great contentment.  I do believe that it falls within the normal parameters of human nature to not realize the extent of your blessings until the time comes that you either loose or face loosing what you love.  

 The often repeated phrase reminds us that, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone". When I googled that phrase to find it's origins I found that over "80,264 lyrics, 110 artists, and 100 albums"  use those lyrics, according to www.lyrics.com.  If that many songs profess that you must loose something to truly appreciate it, I am thankful to appreciate my life and the people in it before I become heaven bound.  

 The greatest gift that this cancer diagnosis has given me is the gift of years of "extra time" to enjoy my family and truly live the moments and days that God gives me before facing more difficult treatments and declining health.  While living and loving my family during these future days, I do not want to forget that a long future is not promised to me.  I hope to live for many, many years to come, but realize that while I have never had a promise of a long lifetime, I must now appreciate every day even more than before.

  I have so many things that I want to say to my children in the present and in the future.  Yet, I have only begun to really listen to them.  I decided that in order to ensure that I leave a legacy for my children, and even my possible grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and in order to share with others the great peace and love that God has given me in this strange time while loving and living in the present moment, I will write down the thoughts that I want to share.  

While the overwhelming thoughts, feelings and changes swirl around me, I sometimes feel like Esther when her Uncle Mordechai told her that she was created for "such a time as this". When I look back on my life, it seems that all the events both good and bad have prepared and equipped me for this time.  I do not want to miss this opportunity to share the thoughts that grace my mind and heart.  God's provisions, preparations and answered prayers should not go unrecognized and undocumented.  My plan and vision is to use quiet moments to write down these things so that my children can look back at this hard time and see that God can work through the greatest trials we face in order to bring us closer to Him and his plan.  

While this vision is a small plan, I have great hope for the future. My great God "is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us" (Ephesians 3:20 KJV).  I look forward to living and enjoying the moments that God chooses to bless me with.