When remission is not an option . . .
The inevitable cancer question circles around often, "So, are you in remission?". This emotionally charged question challenges me, but I know that those who ask the question care about me and it is comforting to know that they hope for healing. Each time it comes up, my answer becomes a little more calm and confident. "Medically speaking, remission is not a possibility for me." It hurts to speak those words some days. No cure for Stage IV Lung cancer exists today.
Most of the time I closely follow that sentence with, "With God, all things are possible, (Matt 19:26) I know he CAN do a miracle, if he chooses to." I believe deep within my heart that IF God chooses to sweep away every last cancer cell in my body, He will. While I ground my soul in that knowledge, I keep in mind the apostle Paul's words in to the Corinthians, "Everything is permitted, but everything isn't beneficial (for me)" (1 Corinthians 10:23, ESV). I knowingly take liberty with the context of these verses in order to apply them to my cancer, and I thank God for the grace He gives through his word to cover my life with his words and comfort.
Truly, God already performed so many miracles in my life - spiritually, medically, physically, mentally - countless small and large miracles. Words and time cannot allow for an full and accurate picture of grace He paints around and for me. A little over a year after my initial diagnosis, I am doing well. My scans continue to reveal that my current Targeted Treatment (a medicine that I take every morning and evening) not only hold the cancer at bay, but worked together with the initial radiation treatments and my own immune system to remove the multiple tumors that plagued my body. My energy levels now allow me to walk daily, stretch, cook for my family, enjoy outings and time with my family and friends (on a somewhat limited basis), attend church more frequently, and teach a few weekly piano lessons. I even recently joined our church choir! My speaking voice returned last fall and my singing voice slowly followed. I thank God for this time and appreciate each day more than I ever thought possible.
Every day I face a choice. I must actively choose contentment and thankfulness for where I am today OR I can choose to wish to be in a different situation than God placed me in. Paul said it this way, " . . . . I have learned in whatsoever state I am, . . . to be content" (Philippians 4:11, NKJV). Paul was able to say this in past tense, "I have learned to be content," but I have to actively work at this each and every day. It comes in waves and phases, some easier and some harder, but there is grace in each moment. That grace holds me fast and keeps me secure knowing that I am held and I am loved. I may never see remission. For now, I live contentedly, enjoying this state of "stable" that blesses me. While the apostle Paul asked the Lord to remove his thorn in the flesh three times, then accepted that the Lord willed him to live through it, I am not that strong. While I have prayed for God to completely heal me more than three times, my prayers now tend to be for the grace and mercy to approach each day with His plan and perspective in mind.
I boldly wait in confidence, knowing God continues writing my story. The Psalms comfort me and I often see my own emotions reflected back to me:
Most of the time I closely follow that sentence with, "With God, all things are possible, (Matt 19:26) I know he CAN do a miracle, if he chooses to." I believe deep within my heart that IF God chooses to sweep away every last cancer cell in my body, He will. While I ground my soul in that knowledge, I keep in mind the apostle Paul's words in to the Corinthians, "Everything is permitted, but everything isn't beneficial (for me)" (1 Corinthians 10:23, ESV). I knowingly take liberty with the context of these verses in order to apply them to my cancer, and I thank God for the grace He gives through his word to cover my life with his words and comfort.
Truly, God already performed so many miracles in my life - spiritually, medically, physically, mentally - countless small and large miracles. Words and time cannot allow for an full and accurate picture of grace He paints around and for me. A little over a year after my initial diagnosis, I am doing well. My scans continue to reveal that my current Targeted Treatment (a medicine that I take every morning and evening) not only hold the cancer at bay, but worked together with the initial radiation treatments and my own immune system to remove the multiple tumors that plagued my body. My energy levels now allow me to walk daily, stretch, cook for my family, enjoy outings and time with my family and friends (on a somewhat limited basis), attend church more frequently, and teach a few weekly piano lessons. I even recently joined our church choir! My speaking voice returned last fall and my singing voice slowly followed. I thank God for this time and appreciate each day more than I ever thought possible.
Every day I face a choice. I must actively choose contentment and thankfulness for where I am today OR I can choose to wish to be in a different situation than God placed me in. Paul said it this way, " . . . . I have learned in whatsoever state I am, . . . to be content" (Philippians 4:11, NKJV). Paul was able to say this in past tense, "I have learned to be content," but I have to actively work at this each and every day. It comes in waves and phases, some easier and some harder, but there is grace in each moment. That grace holds me fast and keeps me secure knowing that I am held and I am loved. I may never see remission. For now, I live contentedly, enjoying this state of "stable" that blesses me. While the apostle Paul asked the Lord to remove his thorn in the flesh three times, then accepted that the Lord willed him to live through it, I am not that strong. While I have prayed for God to completely heal me more than three times, my prayers now tend to be for the grace and mercy to approach each day with His plan and perspective in mind.
I boldly wait in confidence, knowing God continues writing my story. The Psalms comfort me and I often see my own emotions reflected back to me:
Psalm 27
1. The Lord is my light and my salvation: whom shall I fear?
the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2. When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes,
came upon me to eat up my flesh,
they stumbled and fell.
3. Though a host should encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear:
though war should rise against me,
in this will I be confident.
4. One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek after;
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple.
5. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion:
in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me:
he shall set me up upon a rock.
6. And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine
enemies round about me:
therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy;
I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.
13. I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the
Lord in the land of the living.
14. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall
strengthen thine heart:
wait, I say, on the Lord.
(NKJV)
