Why I Didn’t Sue The Doctor


 A Valuable lesson of forgiveness from my/our cancer Journey

Part 1

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I didn't sue my oncologist. It was complicated. While life is complicated in general, life with cancer gets even more complicated. Until it suddenly gets too simple - all that's left is to push through and focus on that one little goal in front of you. Maybe concentrate on swallowing that applesauce. Perhaps struggle to climb that normal, wait . . . . .that’s become an enormous set of stairs! Just sleep. It sounds so deceptively simple. How many routines, habits, rituals and pills does it take to get some sleep? If only getting clean was as simple as it was in my childhood when a shower or bath with a face scrub and a good teeth brushing completed the job. Some days and times, it can be that easy. 


Other times are filled with obstacles and complications. Larger tasks take more time and organizational energy. Forget cleaning the house, working in the kitchen, facilitating school, thinking through mental work, or enjoying hobbies in these challenging seasons. For real, someone else who is not fighting cancer can do the dishes and run the vacuum! 


Did I hear you correctly? You have cancer, too?  And everyone in your house is also fighting cancer? That does sound familiar. You're right, everyone at my house is fighting cancer, too. No, I am the only one with a diagnosis here. My family and even my friends fight alongside me, for me, and sometimes directly with me (when I become "a bit" intolerable). Medicines can do that, you know. Rest assured that even if you never personally experience the emotional toll of fighting cancer--much less the treatments and the antidotes for those treatments--the emotional reactions to and from medications are abundant.


Some days, I just do those daggone dishes. And some days I smile at my kids, spouse and friends too. During those complicated days where illness, dishes and selfcare run me into the ground, the people around me still love me and need me. They care for me and appreciate when I care for them in return. They really do prefer a version of me that’s not crying, yelling, or just a basket of nerves. Can you really blame them? I can't. I prefer them when they are in a fully functioning state. So, if these people need me and I can barely shovel applesauce into my mouth due to fatigue, breathing problems and swallowing struggles, how do I even have the time to consider suing my doctor - no matter their specialty?


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That's right, I hooked you with the thought of suing my doctor. Not just any doctor, but the one who was supposed to be heroically saving my life. Then I rambled on about a bunch of life activities that take an inordinate amount of time and attention these days.


 Maybe the better question is, “WHY would I begin to contemplate suing anyone at this point in my life?” Well that too, my friend, is a very complicated matter. There are layers of sordid details (okay, small, messy piles of sketchy content) that show some questionable decisions which led to understandable reactions and possibly illegal actions. Thinking about “that evidence” raises my blood pressure and occasionally ignites my desire for justice. While editing this paragraph, my throat constricted, my hurried breaths tightened, and my heart raced. When one person steps out of line, they should pay! Right? R i g h t ? Maybe not?  Wrong?  What a confusing stream of questions to a seemingly straightforward statement.


You have read this far and may be curious about the messy and somewhat confusing details. In truth, the details still twist in my heart and head. It hurts too much to lay them out on paper. Truths surface while I wrestle with these and other issues. If you have patience, I invite you to follow along with me on this blog journey.  I hope to plot my growth, gratitude and gradual learning through the sometimes painful, yet often wonderful, circumstances.  I may share more details later. 




Christine

~ ALK+ and thankful




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